Don't Miss


By on June 13, 2016

Do you find yourself arguing abut the same thing over and over again in your marriage and never resolving a particular recurring issue. Then, this is for you…


Before you can change the way you and your significant other disagree, you have to identify the topics you typically argue about and the typical ways you tend to argue about them. Chances are, these types of disagreements end without a resolution and involve hurt feelings and resentment.
Couples tend to follow the same pattern over and over again when they argue, psychologist Guy Winch says. He says that, after witnessing a couple argue in his office, he can predict how any other argument of theirs will go.
The top issues couples fight about are work stress, in-laws, money, intimacy, housework, and a new baby.
What are your top three to five issues? Try listing them out; you might be surprised by what you and your significant other discover.


When discussing these gridlock topics, it is important to stay focused on the topic at hand and not lump it together with other issues.
While it might be tempting to fuel the argument with past hurts, frustrations, and resentments, that will only serve to distance you from one another instead of working together as a team.
Try to stay on topic as much as you can to increase the likelihood that you will come to a compromise more quickly.


If you both make it a point to work on disagreeing more productively, you’ll feel a sense of ownership—which increases the likelihood of reaching a successful compromise.
Blaming each other for perpetuating the argument will only serve to increase resentment. Instead, acknowledge the role that you each play and agree to gently signal to one another when someone is going down the wrong path.
It can be humming a few bars of a song or doing something silly, like breaking into dance, to help break the tension.


If you are arguing about the same thing over and over again with the same result, Winch suggests that you and your partner are not feeling understood by each other. The solution? Empathy. Using empathy when you disagree helps each partner feel understood even if you don’t agree with one another.
While this can be hard to do when you’re aggravated, it will help your disagreement move towards compromise instead of spiraling out of control.

Dr. John Gottman, relationship researcher and psychologist recommends trying to listen for the dream behind your partner’s viewpoint. Focusing on understanding each other first is very important before you try to reach a compromise.


Finding a solution that you are both comfortable with is your goal, says Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. Seek to find a solution that respects both you and your significant other’s differences. He recommends brainstorming with each other until you find a solution you are both satisfied with and warns against agreeing to a solution just to make the argument go away.

Gottman recommends finding common ground with one another. This involves identifying the aspects of the issue that you will not budge on and the ones you are willing to compromise on.
For example, perhaps seeing your family on Christmas is non-negotiable but you are willing to talk about how long you will visit with your family before going to your in-laws. Once you’ve identified what you are willing to negotiate, discuss what a workable compromise can be.

Discussing your recurring issues with your significant other will not only help your arguments end with a compromise, but you might even find that you grow closer as a couple.
Trying to find a compromise gives you a goal to work toward together, while hurling insults and blaming one another is more likely to drive a wedge between you.
So the next time you and your significant other find yourself in familiar dangerous territory, put these tips into practice and see what happens.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>