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He Likes It And Wants To Put A Ring On It

By on April 25, 2014
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He ‘likes it’ and wants to ‘put a ring on it’, à la Beyoncé. The attraction and excitement of dark mysterious and broody may not sit so well with you when you desperately want to discuss things close to your heart.
I was speaking with a young couple who were going through a series of pre-marital counselling classes with me a while ago. They were having some difficulty resolving conflicts arising from differences in their approach to certain fundamental things with regards to their relationship.
After they had tried, …unsuccessfully, I might add, for about 3 hours to explain to me exactly what the problem was, the young lady finally blurted out, …”I want the fairy tale”. I remember thinking to myself at the time, which woman doesn’t? Sadly, this particular couple never did end up walking down the aisle.

What am I trying to say? With the rate of divorce at an all time high all over the world, I posit that it might be a wise decision to look really well before you leap.

Let’s explore this in a bit more depth.
You’ve finally met the man you’ve been dreaming about all of your life, the man who is the epitome of the subject of a million Mills & Boon and Barbara Cartland novels for those of us who grew up on the romantic genre from way back when; and if you’re of the younger generation think John Legends ‘All Of Me’, or Robin Thicke’s, ‘Lost Without You’ I guess it’s pretty obvious by now that I’m writing this from a woman’s perspective.

He ‘likes it’ and wants to ‘put a ring on it’, à la Beyoncé Congratulations, marriage truly is and certainly can be a beautiful thing.
After over 20 years of marriage, counselling couples before and after marriage; after being counselled and counselling myself …by myself, permit me to point out a few things you might want to note and watch out for before he puts that ring on it.

How does he treat people, his mother, his sisters, is he courteous, and kind to them, in word, action and deed. Does he value them and their opinions.
It is important to note how he treats not just family but people in general, especially people subordinate to him, co-workers, employees, random people he comes in contact with waiters, waitresses, valets.
If he treats the aforementioned people in a less than gracious or courteous way, he may be on his best behaviour when your dating, but it is likely that after you’ve been married a few years and his guard drops, YOU will be on the receiving end of this kind of treatment.

Another thing is to make sure that you have seen him angry, sad, in stressful situations. Does he have any form of control over his emotions when he is angry, or does he just let loose and anything goes; when he’s sad does he withdraw completely into himself and you can’t get a word out of him?
How does he handle stress? From something as simple as botched hotel reservations, to the stress of his everyday work environment. Are you his fall ‘guy'(gal) for everything that doesn’t work? Is everything that goes wrong always something to do with what you did or did not do, even though he may well apologises later.

Any man you’re thinking of riding off into the sunset with to live happily ever after must have some kind of authority figure in his life. A mentor, someone he looks up to, someone that can call him to order.
It is not ever a good thing for him to be a law unto himself, with no one that he values their opinion.
Having an authority figure, among others things, shows an acknowledgement of the fact that he doesn’t know it all, is prepared to see things from another’s, (that he sees as more experienced), perspective. It shows that he is ready to seek, listen to and accept advice, in deference to someone he respects and trusts even if he doesn’t completely agree with it.

Does he make you feel safe, nurtured,and cherished? Can you truly be yourself around him? Does he let you be you, but better? Does he bring out the best in you? Does he put you first, your needs, your feelings your comfort?
Do you get the feeling that you are deeply and truly loved for who you are, (and let’s be real ladies, we DO know). Does he talk and brag about you to others so you have other people, his family, your family and your friends telling you how much he loves you.

For someone you intend to make a vow to be with until ‘death do you part’, you must needs discover if you have the same core values, that you have the same moral compass. What are your expectations of marriage, what are his? Have you discussed these, found out if there are differences and if there are, are they differences you can live with?
Is he a man of integrity, (adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty)?
Is his yes yes and his no no. Does he follow through on the things he says. Do you constantly have situations where he tells you he’ll be there at 8 but he arrives at 11. Situations where he tells you one thing but it ends up being another. Anyone who is faithful in little things is more often that not faithful in big things.

After God, (I’m a Christian, no apologies), if there is one other thing absolutely essential for a successful marriage it would be the ability to communicate …effectively. So I ask you, can he communicate with you or does he just grunt? Does he let YOU communicate your needs to him.

This cannot not be overemphasised, because living life comes into play in marriage, it’s inevitable. At some point conflict must be resolved. Discussions must be had, from the mundane to the more serious.
What kind of car, how many cars, expenses, choice of schools for the children, …feelings.
If he’s not talking now, he’s not going to suddenly start talking then. The attraction and excitement of dark mysterious and broody may not sit so well with you when you desperately want to discuss things close to your heart.

Another potential bone of contention you might want to look into is, how does he handle money? Is he a spend-everything-we-have more will come kind of guy, impulsive, extravagant;or is he a penny pincher, tight-fisted. How open is he with you about his financial affairs, is he controlling, does he use money as a form of control?

Whilst the points mentioned above are not cast in stone, in my experience they don’t bode well for a strong loving and fulfilling marriage.
The truth is that any fundamental negative character traits or less than comfortable ways he relates to you before marriage are likely to be magnified when you are in the marriage so its important to identify early what you can live with or not as the case may be.
As the saying goes ‘marry in haste, repent at leisure. Marriage is literally a case of ‘as you make your bed so will you lie in it’.

In his study, published in the US journal Personal Relationships, ­Professor Huston concludes that ‘the central task of courtship is for the two partners to make a sound choice, to be drawn into marriage for reasons that will prove out over the long haul.
…the seeds of divorce could often be detected from the beginning of a relationship.
‘The courtships and marriages that are successful are the “best friend” ones, the ones that are slow and steady and unfold over time Mailonline.

Marriage is serious business. In these days of shifting values, and the supposed blurring of lines between what is right and wrong. It would seem more time is spent in choosing what car, phone, or shiny new appliance to commit to rather than to the choice of who you make a solemn vow to spend the rest of your natural life with.
It may sound simplistic but go into marriage with a pure heart and with a genuine desire to succeed. Loose small battles to win big ones. See leaving as NOT an option.
Good luck

By Yadera

Do you have any thing to add to things to look out for?

TemptTations would love to hear what the men the men think about this.

3 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    November 14, 2014 at 10:45 AM

    Thank you for your reply , please I will like to know what kind of facts is being required from me.

  2. Anonymous

    May 1, 2014 at 11:35 AM

    I really find this article very intresting , and I will like to ask a question. A guy met a lady not upto one week and he start complaining that he is having financial difficulty and how he moved to a new apartment , and the next thing he start asking the lady for money .

    Please is this guy real?

    • Phoenix

      September 1, 2014 at 3:05 AM

      It’s difficult to say without having more facts, but im would very much doubt that he’s real.

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