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By on July 28, 2015

The worst has happened… you have heard, reliably so, that your husband is having, or has had an affair You are torn apart, you feel betrayed, humiliated, bewildered and abandoned.

You feel as if someone has plunged a jagged knife deep into your heart, turned it round and around as many times as is physically possible and then pulled….. ripping out bits of your heart as it exits. There is no physical knife and yet surprisingly the pain you feel is physical, palpable and excruciating in its increasing intensity.

Everything you thought was true about your life now seems to be a lie,
is now seen through the prism of this ‘thing’ that has happened.
How could this happen to me, you ask yourself, how stupid could I be, why didn’t I see this coming, how could he do this to me, when, where, how?

So many questions, no answers. The tears just won’t stop falling, a heart truly can be broken you realise, and the millions of songs you’ve ever listened to, all the movies you’ve ever watched about heartbreak begin to make perfect and absolute sense.

If there are offspring from this extramarital affair then the pain is magnified a million times more. All sorts of thoughts and voices echoing, sounding, reverberating through your head, you wonder inside yourself whether you’re going crazy?

Whether he was man enough to tell you himself, whether he was just caught with his pants down so everything is literally out in the open, or whether someone calls you up anonymously while you’re having a cup of tea in the sanctuary of your own home, the result, the effect remains the same, that this ever will be a defining moment in your life, in your marriage, and in your relationship, a watershed event, a critical turning point, a moment when everything changes… for the better… or for the worse.

One thing I will tell you is that you are going to be okay, really okay, better than before. if this ugly ‘thing’ doesn’t kill you, if you can find a way out of the madness so that it doesn’t kill you, it WILL definitely make you stronger.

You are likely going to rage and rant and rave, may be even go a little ‘crazy’, and I dare anyone who hasn’t been through it to say otherwise or begrudge you this outlet. It will happen often at first but as time goes on, if you decide to stay (and I pray that you will) these episodes will be fewer and far between and by His grace (I’m not there yet) cease altogether.

You will hate this man, the father of your children for what he has done to you, with a hatred you never thought possible for you to feel for another human being, ‘Hell hath no fury and all that, then you will love him, then you will hate him, then you will love him yet again.
What has happened is deep, very deep, a betrayal of trust on so many levels,
but through this, you will confront your own frailties and weaknesses and realise that people fall and people CAN fail, through this you will also find depths of strength that you never knew you possessed. You will mourn for what was, uncertain of what now will be. Mourn, for it truly is a death of sorts.

Revenge of some sort will be at the forefront of your mind, an affair of your own, his friends you’ll sleep with to humiliate him even more than you feel he’s humiliated you;
to make him feel even a fraction of the pain and the hurt that he has caused you.

It’s so difficult to be rational at this time but try, try and think and reason, do you want to hold onto your dignity, to hold your head high, to be a shining example of wisdom and strength despite and in-spite of this situation.
Think, do you really want to put someone else, (another woman) through everything you have been put through.

You might look at yourself as different from other women, women who seem to be so loved and cherished and cared for and whose husbands have not put them out there for every Tom, Dick, Harry, Sally and Lucy to comment on, analyse and draw conclusions about.

The truth is, everyone has a skeleton in their closet, true, your closet is now open for everyone to see, but life goes on, we all have different burdens to bear.

It might be difficult to talk about him as ‘yours’, your husband in public, amongst friends and foes alike, it’s almost as if everyone is jeering, sneering and sniggering behind your back and thinking and saying “some women are so stupid”, but the truth is, he IS yours, you are legally married in the eyes of God and in the eyes of man, he IS your husband so say it and keep saying it, proudly.

Do not under any circumstances look at yourself as foolish because you’ve made the decision to stay.
Why? Because, what is the guarantee that if you leave, the situation will be different with whoever you meet next.
Are you prepared to be alone, if you are prepared financially, are you prepared emotionally. As was said in a certain movie “a womans has needs” you may think you will never ever want to be touched by this lying, cheating specie called ‘Man’ again but who knows, are you ready to start kissing a whole new set of frogs in order to re-find your prince.

The unfortunate truth is that its not even just all about you. Even though you are the one in the forefront of this storm, there IS a bigger picture. The decisions you take and the way you react to this situation will colour your children’s, grandchildren’s and great grandchildren’s attitude towards marriage, relationships, commitment, fidelity, love and family life, perchance you don’t have children yet, it still affects the people around you.
Relationships are fractured, sometimes irreparably so with separation and divorce.

It is likely to be a viable option for your children to consider if you go down that path as opposed to staying and doing whatever it takes, to try and sort it out. One statistic says that “adult children of divorce are 172% more likely to get divorced than children from intact homes”.

So I say, pray, walk tall, look pretty, surround yourself with good friends, get busy.

You WILL come through this, and you will come through strong.

There it is ladies, my take on this, let me know what you think.

By Amaka Chika-Mbonu

One Comment

  1. Anonymous

    February 16, 2017 at 8:39 PM

    Finally, Amaka, I find someone who has experienced, understands and is able to succinctly describe what I have gone through, and are going through. May God bless you abundantly. It gives me great pleasure to know that I am not alone in this. Everyone I talked to couldn’t understand what I felt. They offered pert answers that further deepened my pain! The taste of the pudding is definitely in the eating. Thank God for your gift and boldness!

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